001. It's (Really) a New Year, Baby!

I have been wrestling with finding the perfect words and the perfect timing to get back to click-clacking on this keyboard and I decided the other day that all the overplanning was getting ridiculous. I “missed” writing something at the beginning of the new year because I was busy taking care of my sick parents and spending time with family irl, then I “missed” writing something when we got back to LA because of the devastating wild fires that are still burning almost two weeks later. Now everyone is in a tizzy because TikTok was shut down last night and all of these distractions reminded me of the whole reason why I’m ready to start writing again: it’s time for me to focus on my own lane.

So Happy New Year, my friends! And I don’t give a damn that it’s almost the end of the month.

It is my time.

2024 was a life changing year for better and for worse, but mostly for the better. My breast cancer diagnosis was a catalyst for a lot of major shifts that have revealed who I am with such a clarity… it’s been both jarring and exhilarating to see my physical body constantly evolve so much as my self-image crystallizes.

Of course, there have been consequences to these changes. I’ve lost friendships that I once thought were the epitome of what love is. I’ve felt disconnected from family members I thought would shower me in love. I’ve had to accept that this 30-year-old body that looks incredibly able is not as able as it used to be. I am grieving a lot of what I assumed and took for granted would always be true about my womanhood. I am unraveling years of untruths but in the unraveling I have renewed relationships that fill my cup, found new friends that inspire me and show me what is possible in life and in love, and developed new interests that shift who I have always seen myself as in the best ways, revealing the unmistakable fact that I am really that girl.

Whenever I stay with my parents in Chicago I stay in a girl’s room—a scared 23-year-old who was desperate to know where she was headed and how she was going to get there. She looked everywhere for what she should be and what she should do and she vomited all those ideas and questions and visions on the walls of that bedroom. She was panicking in quicksand, writhing and thrashing to try to stop the sinking but not understanding that the answers were in her stillness all along. Within herself all along.

I step into my old bedroom and I see everything I am now in everything I was trying to figure out back then.

Ironically enough, what specifically helped me stop lollygagging on this newsletter was reading my old blog. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks of that writing now but when I was rereading those entries I could feel all the insecurity that was in my body as I vomited my thoughts and feelings and cursed myself for not doing things in some other way that was not my own. Some “better” way. Some way that was replicable and modeled for me. Reading those entries now? I am so captivated by my younger self, my tenacity, my individual voice and perspective. I’m moved by my transparency and how right it feels to me now. I felt so insignificant back then, sitting in front of a screen, feeling like there was no way that what my instincts told me to do was good enough. Impossible.

After everything I’ve been through that could feel so silly now, but I understand that you just have to live life in order to understand it. Nothing gives you a better understanding than really living—flaws, insecurities, and wrongness included. I’ve maybe always known this but now I can believe it because I’ve had to live it in a very real way. I think back then I had the feeling that my biggest hurdle would be getting out of my own way with no clarity on how to deal with that. Am I just not good enough? Do I need to become someone else? In the last year I’ve finally cleared that bar—I’m finally soaring into the next chapter of my life with strength in my legs, good form, and my eyes on the prize.

I’ve got a creative powerhouse within me, baby. It’s time to let it all out.

I’m working on my application for the Women In Film Fellowship program, my first application since my cancer sabbatical, and it’s been really fun revamping my artist statement to really reflect how I see myself now. It’s incredible to feel like getting in (or not) is not a reflection of my worth. I just get to show up on the page and in my work as myself.

I know there is someone out there in the world who resonates with me.

I know that I will find them.

It’s time that I start enjoying the journey instead of using my energy reigning in my unbridled fear. I will be learning every step of the way and that is okay.

If I can navigate fighting cancer with confidence and grace I can do any fucking thing.

So thank you for joining me on my journey! I always have so much gratitude for anyone in the ether that chooses to connect with me. Spending time with me, my words, and my work is an act of love and I never take love for granted. I’m excited to keep archiving my life and tracking what’s happening as I step into my 30s, pursue a creative career in entertainment, and pour into the richness of a life well lived.

If you were to ask me what I do, for now I say I’m a life liver. Everything that I experience gets transmuted through me into something. The journey now is figuring out what it will be.

Let’s see what I’m talking about when we meet next time.

All my love,

Gabë

FOR OUR REFERENCE

This is where we can find music, videos, readings, and resources that are on my mind at present. Feel free to enjoy for yourself and chat with me about anything that interests you!

The E-Portfolio > gabriellawiltz.wordpress.com

When I started as a dance major at Ohio State it was mandatory for us to develop and keep up with our e-portfolios throughout our years there. It was our digital log of dance work, research, who we were as artists, and anything else we chose to share. This is the blog I revisited that reminded me of who I am to put it simply. I’ve slightly revamped it to share here as The Gabriella Wiltz Archive. I’m happy now to have this little piece of the interwebs that remembers what was and also empowers what now is. It has not been updated in years so don't expect my biography or artist statement to reflect who I am now, but please feel free to take a peak at my past.

I encourage you to revisit your own archive whether it be journals, blog posts, sketchbooks, videos, or whatever. See how far you’ve come. See how much of you is still you. See how much of you has changed.

Feel the power in that. That’s life baby.